Gelatin Mold Appetizer: Collard Greens, Water Chestnuts, & Hot Dogs
This is a recipe for a delicious holiday gelatin mold item. Follow this recipe, and you can make a gelatin mold that is sure to be a hit either in a party or on a frozen river. Look at the materials you need, gather and ingredients to assemble, prepare, serve, exile and launch this gelatin, then run away.
I’m starting off 2018 with a cooking and creative exercise project, a culinary and aerobic project. It started out as a gelatin mold, but then this project became about something more, became redemption, adventure, and finally, salvation.
Like a prism, the Hot Dog, Collard Green & Water Chestnut Bone Broth Gelatin Mold amplified a distribution of frequencies in a pleasing modality. I could see the figure within the uncut marble block of my deepest and darkest pantry corners.
I wanted to gather, from the embers of lost pangs, a deeper hankering, made of the lepers of my palate. Closer, I listened to my pantry. There were voices in there that I had learned to ignore. I had my urchins wary of my watchmen’s boot, laggards and dullards cast aside in the parade of meals, of days we prayed on food or didn’t, days we forgot or wish we never understood, and by hands large or small, young or old, we reached into the pantry for lost reasons, for bodies we inhabited and endured.
In the tide of mastication, upon the shores of garbage, guts and muscle, listless like Sharon on a good day, innumerable objects floated and eddied about the lower dens, creeping in the shadows of painted shelves dusted with the rings of sticky honey jars, onion skin forming a topsoil, cans and bottles and boxes roamed here and there. They settled like barnacled scallops within the coral of bagged flours, off-brand canned goods, spice packets for foods we cannot find in the desert.
I pulled the water chestnuts from the pantry perhaps as improbably as Arthur once did from the stone pull glorious Excalibur. However, in my case, Excalibur was a can of water chestnuts that had lived in the pantry for nearly two years.
I had two pounds of chopped collard greens, I literally had to use the clasps on the slow cooker to clamp the lid shut over the mess. The gelatin was “best used by October 2016”, but theoretically can last indefinitely.
I dug into my larder, earnest about finding value in the last wonky bits of my pantry junk, for connection to a real root of existence, through humble victuals, so I could chuck something onto the river ice.
- 1 lb of collared greens
- Pinch cumin
- Pinch chili powder
- Can of dice tomato
- 2 cups water
- 1.5 cup bone broth
- 1/2 onion
- 2 clove garlic
- 2 stalk celery
- 1/4 cup vinegar
- Salt to taste
- 5 cracked peppercorns
- 1/3 cup olive oil
- Tbsp bacon fat
- 3 cup water
- 2 bay leaves (no. can vary, but KEEP COUNT)
- tsp oregano
- 4 packets of gelatine ( a small box )
- zest of 2017, ghouls
- Non-reactive bowl
- Measuring cup
- Crock pot/slow cooker
- Christmas Cookie Container, enough to cover a box of cookies, 10″ diameter
- Paper plate
- Car with heater, or go strolling along
- Warm clothes
- Antibiotic ointment
- Large dice the collard greens, onion and garlic, add to crock pot.
- In crock pot, combine all ingredients EXCEPT gelatin, hot dogs and bone broth.
- Cook on low for 6 hours. That’s fantastic.
- Remove and cool, then chill overnight. pour
- Next Day: Remove giant central vein from leaves. These features are both hard to chew or defecate. This is a recipe, not a workout. The workout follows.
- Remove bay leaves from greens. Did you count them?
- Add zest of 2017, not so much as to attract ghouls or Styx leeches.
- In a non-reactive bowl, please add COLD bone broth (sub water if needed).
- Measure 2 cups of greens from bowl that was chilling all night in the refrigerator.
- In a small pot, stirring gently, reheat some (1/2 cup) beef bone broth collard green, reheat the admixture to combine with the cold gelatin. Heat until boil, chuck the water chestnut in the morass, bring to boil, simmer two minutes.
- In the other bowl, mix gelatin and 1 cup bone broth together. Dump collard mess back into bowl and stir and turn that ragout like it was a slow roast duck over a campfire cooked in a split coffee can. Doing great.
- Get your hot dog and slice it into thin medallions. You want about twenty to twenty-five, so go thin.
- Lightly oil the mold, spread hot dog medallions across lower surface of the mold, evenly distributed.
- Gently add the collard gelatin into the mold a spoonful at a time, spreading the load evenly so no errant current of jellied holiday cheer washes your hot dog out of design.
- Chill at least six hours.
Try to only eat enough to start farting continuously for an hour. Pictured above, a suggested serving. Cheers.
Eat this with chips and liquor.
Freeze it outside. No one even eats it. It sits for a week almost.
Scout your launch points. I found one within 6 miles of my house. You may need to trek for several days or weeks, depending on your latitude. Self-doubt has no place here. Doing swimmingly.
Without much fanfare, I took that bastard down to the river and gave it the life it always wanted. I fell into the icy shallows prior to launch, so one of my feet was effectively encased in ice for the wind-up. Learned how to throw a discus really badly. It was 4 F outside. Perfect clear sky, no traffic and no wind. Preparation is key.
Pro Tip: Consult your farmer’s almanac, chicken bones, tea leaves, pork entrails, pigeon blood, sticks, bones, dice, or other standard divination tools for reference.
When you sling that gelatin onto the ice, do it like a skipping stone. Throw it so it spins upon the axis perpendicular to the ice, like a hockey puck.
Use your lats, cowboy up!