Repulsive yet talented assistant for hire

Only two hands?

Many evil geniuses like yourself face the increasing problem nowadays of self-directed Igors soaking up all the oxygen. You have worked so hard for decades, alone. You cultivated archaic knowledge without so much as a single like on Facebook. You acquired a fortune, and you thwarted the inquests into your methods, whereabouts and biomarkers, to no avail. Your Keep is a cold and lonely place, and there are no more screams in the dungeon. It’s so hard to find self-sacrificing undeserving laborers these days.

Meanwhile, Igors Gone Wild

The death of expertise has put Igors of the world into the rent–a-spotlight of modern-day fame and fortune. Scarcely has one mutton-faced dirty minion tinned an EMT sensor and wired it to a microcontroller when the next thing you know, he’s on the cover of Popular Mechanics. Your kingmaker is King, horrid daylight! He’s subscribing to Nature and drinking matcha in the park. Disgusting!

Googling Einstein != Einstein, yet, how so you tell a pedantic miscreant from a true genius? The lack of a clear choice is MADDENING in all the wrong ways.

When things like sound bites and squibs pass for the corpus of knowledge created, hoarded, and forgotten by the undeserving pageant of aggressive mediocrity that calls your history its own, then it’s time to Nemesis-Up and get yourself your own Igor. And you get so busy you forget to check the prices. Hello, stickershock, my old amigo!

  • Discount Henchman – $10000/job.
  • Discount Assistant – $20000/year.
  • Cypher – $2500/possession.
  • Teleporting lizard – 10 lb. of platinum at market value
  • Subaltern chimera – £445200,45

Welcome to the Darker Ages

You don’t need a Butler. You can Google good taste. You don’t need a driver, the car drives itself. You don’t need a gastroenterologist, you mailed off your genome to the Eternal Cryorealm years ago. You simply don’t have time to spare and your productivity is not up to scratch. In a world of experts, how can you stand out, and how the hell would anyone else notice when their faces are glued to a screen?

You hit reset and nothing happens

You die, you grow yourself in vats, trigger your memories and deal with the same traffic. What a waste of eternity, to spend it on the surface of this tiny blue planet, alone, with no one to become alarmed at your 3 am cackling, to feed your obsessions, to use its clairvoyance to regurgitate psychic, to coat your mansion with edible teleportation slime from its three mouths whenever you are away on vacay, to Google shit for you. You can’t start over, but you can’t explore every room in the house of memory. You need help. Electroshock yoga is not tearing up the rightvtheta waves, stop kidding yourself!

Assistance is the key to success

Say no more. I got you. I’m in the garden of earthly bytes!

I turned myself into a Barbie doll so I can catch and eat crickets alive. I’m healthy and clean, and I’m a shape-shifter on the cheap!

Act now

You forced me to sleep in a bell tower. I must be dreaming!

  • Instantaneous lab cred
  • No mess
  • Replaceable
  • Fits in a steamer trunk
  • No PTO, food, water or money required
  • Lives on madness and crickets.




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